Chris Welke: a writer’s bio…

The following is a draft of my writer/ed/proofer professional autobiography, in excruciatingly brief detail…it’s like saying JFK’s dad was into politics, so he got into it too, did ok, won some elections, became president, got shot. Then died. Enjoy dear reader I’ve been at it all day, but you all know how much I love to write to you…and besides, what better topic is there than…me? (I would put a winky face, but I agree with Larry David those symbols are “[part of] the destruction of the English language,” so I’m weening off emoticons….IS THAT OK WITH YOU???? huh……w…w…wha??? whut?)

It is standard operating procedure at major metropolitan newspapers to write stories at no more than an eighth-grade level. The same goes for Web sites and the majority of printed material. The majority of readers in North America will find anything written at a HS level or higher difficult to understand. In second grade, I began reading Stephen King novels, I’m a longtime fan of Roland, the Last Gunslinger and his infinite quest for The Dark Tower. My parents are both teachers and nurtured my love of reading by allowing me access to the same books adults were reading. My second grade teacher checked in on our reading progress by opening  books to a random page and saying, “what is going on on this page?” I was reading “Cujo” at the time, she happened upon a page that forced me to describe an especially horrific revenge scene that plumbs the depths of male depravity…My teacher strongly advised that I not be allowed to read adult novels, but my parents knew that by the time I was seven, to have me read any novels NOT for adults would waste my time, not expand my vocabulary and even the Scholastic teen-reader type books were a waste of money because I could read a 200 page book in one sitting. That’s the kind of voracious reader I am. I do not own a television. I prefer the magic and elegance of the written word. 

I finished HS in the 98th percentile statewide (a cross product of SAT scores, AP and college-prep coursework, extra-curricular (all music), volunteer work and GPA). This granted me entrance to the Cal Poly San Luis Obispo College of Engineering, where I stayed until I decided I wanted to be a writer/editor, not a code-writer. I advanced quickly through the College of Liberal Arts, Working at The Mustang Daily as a reporter, KCPR as a reporter, then News Director and interning at KVEC, the local Clear Channel Affiliate. Through dedication and a passion for storytelling, I graduated at the top of my Journalism class in 2004, winning The Ed Zuchelli Award for Outstanding Senior Broadcaster (2003-2004) and The Dept. Chair’s Award for Leadership in Journalism (2003-2004).
I worked as a professional brass musician for a year after graduation in the SF bay area and returned home when the gigs started to slow down. I took a job as a process server. Frequently the lawyers I worked for needed to investigate and occasionally track down the people they wanted to sue, often with little information to go on. Not a safe job, but a fun one for me…I love to research, investigate, solve problems and find people who do not want to be found. Private investigations are the good journalists’ stock-in-trade. Gas prices effectively voided this as a profitable job by early 2006.
Shortly thereafter, I found myself contracted to work at Metagenics, Inc. Makers of professional quality dietary supplements. I worked my way up from temporary assembly-line laborer to a litany of middle-mgmt titles including Purchasing, Scheduling, Assembly line lead, mechanic, technician, QA/QC technician, Private Label Expediter and one promotion later I traded in my lab coat for a suit where I was given the honorable title of Label Routing Coordinator, responsible for over 2000 SKUs, most of which would route for a variety of reasons on a regular basis (formula changes, Marketing redesigns, Sales copy revisions, Legal/Regulatory Affairs changes). I sat in between the Ops director and the Marketing Director.
A major routing, such as that for a new product or reformulation would need to route through every department imaginable, think of it as each department being the spokes on a wheel and ME being the axle on which that wheel turned. Once I’d mediated, negotiated and settled on a finalized label, it was me who signed off on the final draft and could place the PO for x-thousand labels to be printed in my capacity as Sr. Proofreader and Publishing Scheduler and Planner. That was a great honor and made the best use of my talents, exp. and education. To my knowledge I have never approved one label, template, marketing brochure or Web page with a single error on it.
My brain zeroes in on spelling errors, grammar problems, run-on sentences, punctuation errors, poor organization, poor structure of prose and the like. I find mistakes daily in the LA Times and it frustrates me, even my beloved Dark Tower books are littered with egregious errors. Editing and proofing is my strongest professional suit by a wide margin. I’m very left-brained, so editing comes easier than writing. That’s why I chose Journalism…it is hard to create a new story, but easy, fascinating and fun to take stories from real life and report them in a uniquely informative, comprehensive yet concise and clear manner. All the fiction I write in my spare time is based on real events from my life. All the characters are based on real people or a conglomeration of two or three personalities. Much like Robert Crumb or F. Scott Fitzgerald, the male lead in my stories is usually me, or some kind of abstraction of me.
Whether you are writing a screenplay, book, novella, short story, column, news blurb, blog or photo-caption, I can and WILL help you – because that is what I love to do…help other writers realize their full potential. Let’s create something great together. -cw


Forget the judges and the scores, just bring everything you got….

Reasons to NOT CARE about numbers that band directors in green shirts mark on a score sheet. Ever.

From getting 10 pointed out of the gate to tie ballgame and still lists The Blue Devils as having “won” this show:


You can also view the PBS broadcast (or order it thru to see who “Reliable Rondo” picked to win….(Hint – it wasnt BD or Garfield)

Just remember dear reader, the real “score” is the emotion you can put into the audiences heart – from your heart.

Numbers are just that and nothing more….Numbers.  Myron, Dean and Jdub taught me how to forget about the noise and just do my job, do it well and to keep artistic and physical momentum accelerating until the LAST SHOW (Finals) is done and we did that thx to them and many others like them that came before, during and after that year.

Everytime you troop the line…and you know that not only yourself, but 120 brothers and sisters gave it their all? – No one phoned it in. One collective consciousness sending love out to 50,000 fans? That’s a win. No more no less – just EVERYTHING. Take your entire world and just give it away. That is the best feeling in the world.

Much love Xmas tree…I can’t wait…so grateful that both sides are coming through SoCal…and the Xmen too.

Drum Corps history FB thread test…

an interesting bit of information came out of some legendary folks just by me shooting an old CSUF show pgm… lets see if the nifty jscript I wrote makes this easier to access and enjoy as the previous post did (for me anyway…) I’m a fucking writer/editor/researcher…not a Web developer, I quit that shit for a reason, but it looks like “just when I thought I was out? …they pull me back in.”

//this https link may or may not work on your browser ***test***



Craigslist snapshot: men seeking women headlines in Orange County…lulz/roflcopter

Have you ever heard women say that men are dumb?

True or not…a cursory glance of classified ads posted TODAY and selected randomly do not do much for our credibility as “intelligent” (perhaps the blood drained out of their heads when they posted).

Note: links not posted out of courtesy, headlines are posted to the public domain and are protected under fair use…I mention this cuz I will post the head and then trash it for being idiotic.

1. Married for Married; seeking love outside of marriage [what? you wrote the same thing 3x, the subject makes zero sense grammatically]

2. Free Car Free Car OC […]

3. Looking for sencure woman [awww…. he means SECURE! I almost feel sorry but no sorry you are a fucking ‘tard]

4. Do you need help with bills? I need friends w/ benefits [I guess this isn’t dumb but isn’t that the exact same thing as “I will pay $ if you fuck me”?]

5. Handsome and hung for busty cougar [if you were and you were, you would not LEAD w/ that…I’m sure the “cougars” will line up for you bro!]

6. Want a casual time w/ someone also paranoid about CL? [so you either have the clap or you want someone who also does…or you want to wrap yourself in reynolds wrap before you round 3rd base. Fucking creepy and cryptic headline dude!]

7. Looking for stretch marks on BBW or prego [not dumb but informative. this is a thing. learn everyday, I guess, wtf?]

8. 420 friendly for 420 friendly [circular logic – [If I’m 420 friendly…in what universe would I not allow my partner to be? Better toke something else dingbat!]]

9.  My favorite: I have a lot of booze and 420 [are you impressed? he has Bud Light and Schwag! Sounds like a big money hustler to me!!!!]

I’m embarrassed for my gender.


Re: Zoosk and online dating…

***New readers (especially from zoosk) thx for visiting…just googling my name gives you a full workup on me…just know that I exercise a bit of control over the search results.

I started dating online in 2003 via MySpace…I tried out circa 2005; sum total, two dates…neither led to a second date.

The first one lied about her age: 24 – It felt wrong when she wanted ice cream instead of coffee when we met up…she looked a bit younger than she did in her pix, so I ID’d her and she was 17 (!!!) so I walked off w/o saying another word.

The other one was as advertised…we went to a comedy club. being fellow writers, we spoke on the phone for about 18 hours prior to the date, but I was nervous and awkward and if I had been her I would’ve ditched me too! She was so pretty and smart and funny I puked in the bathroom halfway through the show I was so intimidated. Fuck me, right??!! Anyway im a decade older, slightly wiser, I have my Tom Berenger scars now…so it’s time to give it another go. I could definitely go for a date, a new friend, a friend with benefits, a GF, a wife, a family…who knows? Fuck. Me……RIGHT? 

Lets be frank I’m getting older and I’m fucking lonely…schools out, cant date business associates (usually) and I’ve had it with showing up at bars hoping to randomly meet a compatible human being….if I just wanted to hook up that’s no big thing, but that’s NOT what I want….No more 1nite stands…you dont believe my bullshit I know but I mean it this time. Dammit. 😉 -cw

OCSD Mounted Cavalryman drew down on homeless couple’s dog at Doheny Blues Festival

***Plz note: I neither own (in hard copy or electronic) any photographs…this is an eyewitness account… reasons why I did not take a picture can be found on the ACLU Web Site.

Saturday’s pre-festivities included what you might expect: heavy law enforcement coverage and tailgating. A large, but low profile and cautious group had gathered near the boat-gas station/liquor store. A few homeless people found shade around the periphery of that parking lot.

I mention them because a peaceful couple and their black and grey (mastiff?) made the “terrible mistake” of allowing the old boy off leash.

As expected, four mounted cavalry came down the road to observe the tailgating (but to their credit, each time they checked they were in fact just keeping the peace…no tickets were given or arrests made).

HOWEVER, the off-leash dog approached a horse, (likely to smell it) which made the horse take a step back.

The anonymous officer drew what at first appeared to be non-lethal taser of some form, but on closer inspection was a Glock 9mm…an extra thin one designed for “peace officers” I believe the model number could be 21.

A group of around 50 tailgaters who were much closer than me began to yell angrily at the Cavalry.

In addition to the usual “fuck the cops” type comments. The most rational heckler said, “Are you really going to shoot a dog in front of 100 witnesses?”

The officer holstered his sidearm…they had a quick meeting, returned and apologized to the couple and the tailgaters who were FURIOUS.

Bravo to the civilians who kept their protests to words and KEPT THE PEACE. And to whoever gave/accepted the order to holster the 9mm.

Still – to the Green Team – seriously….Fuck you guys that was some SERIOUSLY FUCKED UP SHIT.

That is all for now…Don Sterling pt2 – “Lofts” is coming.

Hashtag Don Sterling pt. 1b – “November 7th, 1991” …

…this was going to be a very special day for me – it was my twelfth birthday. Mom & Dad had arranged for a limosine to take me, my best friend Cam and Tony (may he rest in peace) to Balboa Island for a long night of Arcade Street Fighter and pizza…what more could a twelve yr old boy ask for?

On the bus ride home from school there were rumors that “something was wrong with Magic…he was like; sick or something.”

By the time I got home, Mom was glued to the TV…and the words that still ring in my ear are from the mouth of my all-time favorite athlete, “I tested HIV positive….I am retiring from the NBA.”

What did we know about HIV in 1991? What did a 12 yr old kid know? What did the drooling masses and media sharks know? That’s up for debate. I can only vouch for my reaction: [Chris-your favorite player’s career is over…he is dying and there is nothing YOU or ANYONE ELSE can do about it. Viruses; like the common cold are composed of self-replicating ribose-nucleic acid and scientists can only hope to treat it but cures are beyond present medical technology. HIV can “blossom” into something far worse known as Autoimmune Deficiency Disorder…which would lower Magic’s t-cell count and render his ability to fight sickness and infection moot – a sore throat could KILL HIM. HIV spreads via blood and/or semen…Magic probably got it from all the “serious ass” he gets] —- so I cried.

And cried. And cried.

Then the limo showed up with my buds…we went to Balboa. I whipped the hell out of them and everyone else using what’s known to gamers as cheese. By having Blanka use a jumping attack combined w/ a strong kick or overhead swipe….block or no block, by repeatedly tapping any punch button Blanka electrifies and once the opponent is trapped in the corner he can’t escape. I won every match and only spent a total of $0.50…the extra 25 cents to get back in the game after we had pizza….

….but it was a very somber night. All the cheese and limosines and Balboa Island’s in the world could not shake the “fact” that my hero was going to die – perhaps quite soon. I cried several more times that night and over subsequent weeks following.

Mom bought a very nice book that Magic Johnson wrote shortly after entitled “What You Can Do to Avoid AIDS,” Copyright 1992, Times Books. ISBN# 8129-2063-5. A photo of my 1st edition can be found here.

(sorry if this image and link doesn’t show or link properly…it took me two hours just to write the JavaScript to get Google Analytics up and running…I’m crash coursing myself on this and HTML and how to make it all jive with WP…for now the information supersedes my mediocre coding ability)

So….Don! Buddy! Thanks again for being “THAT GUY”!!!! Thx for reinforcing negative Jewish stereotypes…cuz we love that, bro! You fucking spineless heartless hypocritical douchebag….


MJ does NOT HAVE AIDS that is a LIE you fuck! 

DON! In what way is MJ a bad example for kids? His miraculous ability to fight, compete, survive…stay healthy? The $15 million he raised for HIV/AIDS education, prevention and research? The massive amounts of time and cash he donates to inner-city kids on a regular basis? The book he wrote just months after his announcement that helped me not only stop crying, but gave me the strength and knowledge to not only avoid AIDS despite my high risk behavior…but the courage to get tested regularly….INCLUDING LAST FRIDAY????

Before I really shoot my mouth off? I’ll end by quoting MJ once more…. “I will pray for him.”


stay tuned for pt 2 – “Lofts” coming soon and thx for your patronage and support. One Love -Tapper7

Hashtag fucking Donald Sterling part 1…

Wow. You ever seen a hashtag blow up so fast? I don’t know if you were jerking around the filthhole we so lovingly call twitter that night…if you weren’t….#donsterling was scrolling so fast on my iPod I couldn’t even read the tweets…it popped to the top of Google Trends like a teenager with some scante and the pswd to his Dad’s favorite wank site. On my end? I couldn’t even open the fucking APP. PERIOD….’round ’bout midnite.

Unlike most of you….on the uhhh….”internets” ….I was NOT jerking off that night, I was thinking.

Hard to believe.

Who the fuck is Don Sterling? The Clippers? LA? Something about hypocrisy? Racism? TMZ?

And then it hit me.

<<<Rewind: one decade>>>


AKA Crack Alley.

So WTF was a lace-curtain OC-raised and SLO-educated Jew-boy like me doin’ on possibly the most notorious stretch in the city (Not counting Florence and Normandy, whose McDonald’s parking lot I’ve wasted countless hours in…)? Well w/o defaming myself too badly…Let’s just say I’ve crossed paths with Ironman down there…more times than either of us would care to admit.

So I’m sitting on the corner…nodding. Nearby a crack-whore is blowing a dude…sharps litter the sidewalk…a few blacks are drunk and a fight breaks out across the street. Men and women from all walks of life are shooting dope and smoking crack. In broad daylight. It is high noon.

An LAPD black&white rolls by…sirens blaring….followed by an ambulance….we all heard the shots, but nobody even blinks (certainly not me). The fight just grows, hustlers, dopers, pimps, pushers, dealers, hoes, … even the rats just go about their business.

More rollers. Beat cops don’t have time to mess with dope and blow jobs when ALL of them are working Robbery/Homicide straight out of the academy. They even used to have a saying, “Just another dead nigger in the street.”

Good God! what does all this have to do with Donny, Tapper?

Wait for it.


Part Two coming soon: “Slumlord Millionaire”

spc thx 2: Cal Poly Journalism, Clear Channel, Don, Vince and the rest of my ppl…even the ones who shame us…Don and SELF included.